Feelings

What does it feel like to be a mum with a child who has cancer? I'm not saying dad's don't feel the same things, I'm just not one, so I don't know. I'm also not saying that all the things I feel are necessarily rational or helpful or true. they are feelings and therefore not always accurate. However, as human beings, when we experience things, for better or worse, we fell things. Here are mine:

I feel guilt. Is the fact that my child has cancer my fault? Did I do something wrong? Did I feed them too much, too little, too much of the right thing, too much of the wrong thing? Were they exposed to too much radiation, too much pollution? Did I use too much sun block, not enough sunblock? Should we have gone organic and used less chemicals? How could I not have known he had cancer?

I feel sadness and at time heart broken. Why does my child have to go through this? Why does he have to experience things that many people only have to deal with later in life? Why does he have to be imprisoned in a hospital room undergoing chemo while other teenagers are out there living their lives, meeting friends, getting their driving licenses. Why, when he was starting to be so independent, does he have to be back in a place of so much dependence? If I could swap places with him and go through it for him, I would do so in a heart-beat.

I feel helplessness. Normally when your children are sick you can help them. You send them to bed, given them paracetamol, stick a plaster on it, a hot pack on it, a cold pack on it, cream on it. It’s easily fixed. Now I can do nothing. I silently watch as nurses with gloves, gowns and face masks to protect themselves from the chemo, put that chemo inside my child. I want to shout, 'Stop!' and make a run for it, but I have no choice. I sign endless consent forms to allow doctors to perform procedures on my child, all of which come with risks. I always sign, again there is no real choice.

I feel numb. Most of the time all I am doing is the task that is right in front of me. The load of washing, cleaning the floor, catching the bus to the hospital, calling the nurse. I am not thinking, I’m just doing. When that task is finished, I do the next one. Occasionally I have a moment while I am waiting for the kettle to boil, or I’m by myself in the lift, and I suddenly think, 'What on earth am I doing here?' Then I remember - my son has cancer. For a moment it all floods back and feels overwhelming. And then the lift pings, or the kettle boils and I’m back to the next task.

I feel angry. Why did it have to be my child?. Not that you want it to be anyone else’s child either, but still, why did it have to be him?

I feel torn and not enough. I will do whatever it takes to help my child, but what about the other three? They need me too. How can I get it right for everyone? How can I meet everybody’s needs? How can I be fair to everybody? How can I give everybody the attention they need?

For all this I have Jesus - and sometimes, that feels enough.

One of my prayers at the beginning of all this was that God would hold on to me and not let me go. Even when I had moments of just clinging on, that he would do for me what I couldn’t do for myself. In all my doubts and questions that he would be enough.

Some more truths from 'When God doesn't Fix It', by Laura Story:

Myth: I gain by holding on

Truth: I gain by letting go

Myth: The strength of my faith is based on how strongly I believe

Truth: The strength of my faith is based on the strength of my God

Myth: When things look dark, God is gone.

Truth: When things look dark, God's light shines the brightest.

Here's another great song. Read the words as you listen to it.

Oh My Soul, by Casting Crowns

Oh, my soul

Oh, how you worry

Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control

This was the one thing, you didn't see coming

And no one would blame you, though

If you cried in private

If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows

No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Here and now

You can be honest

I won't try to promise that someday it all works out

'Cause this is the valley

And even now, He is breathing on your dry bones

And there will be dancing

There will be beauty where beauty was ash and stone

This much I know

Oh, my soul

You are not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

I'm not strong enough, I can't take anymore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

And my shipwrecked faith will never get me to shore

(You can lay it down, you can lay it down)

Can He find me here

Can He keep me from going under

Oh, my soul

You're not alone

There's a place where fear has to face the God you know

One more day, He will make a way

Let Him show you how, you can lay this down

'Cause you're not alone

Oh, my soul, you're not alone