Final round

It's my last night in the hospital tonight. I came in with Joshua at 7:15am this morning so he could start his final round of chemo - they don't waste any time! I always forget about the hospital in the time we're out. When I walk back in the door again after a break, there is always a smell, not really bad or good, just a hospital smell that makes my heart sink. I guess it is the associations and the memories that smell brings that trigger the emotions.

In some ways, this round is easier because we know the end is in sight and in others ways it's hard because we feel like we're done, but we're not. It's hard to see Joshua go from, 'normal' energy levels to exhausted and lacking in appetite in only a few hours. For the interested medical people, this is the same as the last round. 4 hours of Rituximab, 3 hours of Methotrexate (with 72 hours of fluids to flush it out), 5 days of Cytarabine and two lumbar punctures.

Although in many ways we are very fortunate because Joshua's treatment has been relatively short, it's hard to think that we won't be done with oncology for a long time. Before all this started, not having really thought about it before, I thought you got diagnosed, got treated and then you were done. It's hard to think that even after remission, there are years of blood tests and scans ahead, many of which will be in Brisbane. Apparently, oncologists don't like far north Queensland!

As an aside, I was feeling very unwell this morning with a migraine and was lying down on a small bench next to Joshua's bed with my eye mask on. (The hospital gig was easier in the big scheme of things than managing Ruben). After a few hours, I suddenly realised it was my birthday - I'd totally forgotten! (We had celebrated at the weekend so don't feel too sorry for me).

Tomorrow I go back to Cairns to try and find our new 'normal'. Lots of things have changed and I think I've changed. I definitely have a greater understanding and compassion for families dealing with cancer. I have had the opportunity to get an insider view of a world that I never gave much thought to before. Some people really have it tough. Not sure what I am going to do with that information yet, but I hope I can use it in some way to help somebody.