PET scan

A really quiet week this week. Joshua had his usual check up yesterday and that's it for the week. His bloods were rubbish, as expected, but not bad enough to need a transfusion. Platelets were lower than usual - but that's probably from the different type of chemo. (I actually have no idea why the platelets are low, that's just my non-medical educated guess). He actually seems to be doing really well. Today he voluntarily got dressed and actually went down to the park to 'shoot some hoops' with Ruben. Amazing, since he has barely been out of his PJs since August.

Next week is the big week where we find out if all the chemo has worked. On Monday Joshua has his PET scan to see whether all visible cancer has gone and he is officially 'in remission'. If the scan is clear he will start his final round of chemo the following day and then will just need to recover from that before we are able to go back to Cairns. If not we will have to make a new plan. Please pray for this. 

I'm trying to be relaxed, but I know underneath I'm pretty tense. So much hinges on this. Primarily I just want Joshua to be well and not to have to undergo any additional chemo, but I also just want our whole family to be able to go home. After the scan, I have booked to fly back to Cairns anyway (leaving Joshua with Daniel) so the other kids can go back to their schools for a bit. They are so excited. I feel very conflicted - I am desperate to go back home and get the others into their normal routine, but I hate to leave knowing Josh has to stay in Brisbane. Knowing it's only for a few more weeks would really help.  

I guess that's where faith comes in. 

Christians talk about faith a lot. It sounds so simple - "Even with faith as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains". Maybe for some people it is simple, but I've always struggled with it. How can I have faith in a God who doesn't necessarily control and steer circumstances to the outcomes I think are the right ones? I want to have faith in a God who always saves, always heals, always protects and always stops pain and suffering in its tracks. That's the kind of faith I would like to be able to have. What do we do with our faith in situations where the healing doesn't come, the answers don't come and God is seemingly absent? We've all had situations where we were trusting God for something and he didn't seem to show up!

Google (obviously the absolute authority on everything and anything) defines faith as, "complete trust or confidence in someone or something". I quite like that. Faith is complete trust or confidence in God. Full stop. Not 'trust in what you think God will or won't do in your situation', but just trust in God and who you know he is. I think my faith is becoming more about trusting my God and who I know he is, rather than focusing on my circumstances. Of course I still pray certain ways and would like certain outcomes. However I think (hope) I'm finally coming to a place where I trust God enough to commit a situation to him and know that whatever it looks like, he will work it out and he's got it under control.

Mercy Me expresses it much better than I do:

EVEN IF

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul

Songwriters: Bart Marshall Millard / Benjamin Glover / Crystal Lewis / David Arthur Garcia / Tim Timmons

“The song ‘Even If’ is incredibly special to me,” commented Millard. “My son Sam is 15 years old, and he’s been a diabetic since he was two. When you’re a parent of a child with any kind of chronic illness, these things don’t go away. You have a lot of good days, but some days you feel like you’re losing bad. I was in the midst of one of those bad days when ‘Even If’ was written. This song is a reminder to people in these difficult situations that don’t seem to go away. God was worthy long before any of these circumstances even showed up. It’s a foundation that was built long before those difficulties came to be. This song is a declaration to God that even if He went silent and never said another word, He’s still worthy to be praised, and He’s our greatest hope in the midst of the trial.”